jokes

 

 

 

 

BURY HER IN EGYPT

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law were traveling through the Middle East. The mother-in-law who was always at odds with the man died. He inquired as to where to bury her. He was told it would cost him twenty thousand dollars in Egypt, six thousand in Iran, but only five hundred in Israel. The funeral owner asked him: “Would you like us to bury her in Israel, since it’s so much cheaper?” The man replied emphatically: “Bury her in Egypt. King Tutankhamun never ever revived, but a man they buried in Israel about two thousand years ago resurrected on the third day.”

ENTIÉRRENLA EN EGIPTO

Un señor, su esposa, y su suegra viajaban por el Medio Oriente. La suegra, quien siempre estaba en desacuerdo con su yerno, murió. El hombre investigó donde podrían sepultarla. Le dijeron que le costaría veinte mil dólares en Egipto, seis mil en Irán, pero solamente quinientos en Israel. El dueño de la funeraria le preguntó: “¿Quisiera que la sepultáramos en Israel, siendo que es el lugar más barato?” El señor contestó enfáticamente: “Entiérrenla en Egipto. El rey Tutankamón fue sepultado allí, y jamás revivió, pero hace dos mil años enterraron a un hombre en Israel, y resucitó al tercer día.”

YES, I WOULD GIVE HIM ONE

Roberto, a nephew of Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro, asked a peasant man: “If you had two houses, would you give one to my uncle?” “Of course I would,” the man replied. “If you had two automobiles, would you give one to the government?” “Yes, I would,” the man answered. “If you had two cows, would you give one to my uncle?” Roberto asked. “I would most definitely not!” the man answered emphatically. “And why not?” Roberto asked him. “Because I don’t have two houses nor do I have two cars, but I do have two cows,” the peasant told him.

SÍ, LE DARÍA UNA

Roberto, el sobrino de Nicolás Maduro, le pregunta a un campesino: “¿Si usted tuviera dos casas, le daría una a mi tío?” “Desde luego que sí,” le contesta el señor. Luego le pregunta Roberto: “¿Si tuviera dos coches, le daría uno al gobierno?” “Con mucho gusto lo haría,” le contesta el hombre. Entonces le dice el sobrino de Maduro: “¿Si usted tuviera dos vacas le daría una a la Revolución Bolivariana?” “Jamás haría yo eso,” le responde el campesino. “¿Y por qué no?” le pregunta Roberto. “Porque no tengo dos casas, ni tengo dos coches, pero sí tengo dos vaquitas,” le contesta el señor.

GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!

A young Christian couple had just gotten married and were very tight on money. Therefore they both agreed not to spend any money other than for food and the basic necessities. One day the husband came home from work and he noticed that his wife had a brand new dress on. He asked her: “Why did you buy that dress?” She replied: “The devil made me do it.” “You should have used scripture and told him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’” her husband told her. “I did,” she replied, “but he told me that it even looked better from behind.”

¡QUÍTATE DE DELANTE DE MÍ, SATANÁS!

Una pareja joven cristiana acababa de casarse, y ambos estaban muy cortos de dinero. Por eso concordaron en solamente gastar dinero en comestibles y en lo que fuera absolutamente necesario. Un día el jovencito volvió del trabajo y vio que su esposa llevaba un vestido nuevecito. Le preguntó: “¿Por qué compraste ese vestido?” Ella le contestó: “El diablo me dijo que lo hiciera.” “Deberías haberle dicho que quitara de delante de ti y se pusiera atrás como dice la biblia,” le dijo el esposo. “Le dije eso,” respondió ella, “pero me dijo que el vestido aún se miraba mejor de atrás.”

THE BOY WANTS HIS OWN CAR

A fifteen-year-old boy came up to his father and told him: “Dad, I am fifteen years old and most of my friends have their own car already. When are you going to buy me mine?” The father replied: “I will get you a car when you cut that long hair you have.” The boy thought for a moment and then he said: “I’ve been reading the Bible, and I find that Moses, Abraham and even Jesus had long hair.” “Yes,” the father said, “but they walked everywhere they went.”

EL JOVEN QUIERE SU PROPIO COCHE

Un jovencito de quince años le dice a su padre: “Papá, ya tengo quince años, y casi todos mis amigos tienen su propio coche. ¿Cuándo me vas a comprar el mío?” El papá lo mira y le dice: “Te compro el carro cuando te cortes ese cabello largo que tienes.” El chico piensa un poquito y dice: “He estado leyendo la biblia, y encuentro que Moisés, Abraham y hasta Jesucristo tenían pelo largo.” “Es cierto,” le dice el papá, “pero ellos caminaban adondequiera

REPAINT, YOU SINNERS

It was almost the end of the work day, and three men who were almost finished painting the last wall of the church were running out of paint. One of them said: “Let’s add some paint thinner to the paint, so we can finish the job and go home.” It sounded like a good thing, so the other two agreed. When they finished it began to rain and the paint washed off. Then they heard a very strong voice that said: “Repaint, you thinners, and thin no more.”

THE YOUNG PASTOR

A young man was appointed to his first pastoral job. The first Sunday he saw a young lady that he really liked. He found out her address and the very next day he went by her house. He knocked at the door, but got no response. He left a note with the scripture Revelation 3:20, which basically says: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock…” The next Sunday he found a note in the offering plate with the scripture Genesis 3:10, which basically says: “I heard your voice, but I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

EL PASTOR JOVENCITO

Un jovencito recibió su primer trabajo de pastor. El primer domingo vio a una jovencita que le gustó mucho. Buscó la dirección de la chica, y el día siguiente pasó por su casa. Llamó a la puerta, pero nadie contestó. Dejó una nota con la escritura Apocalipsis 3:20, que básicamente dice: “Estoy a la puerta y llamo.” El próximo domingo en la canasta de ofrendas encontró una nota con la escritura Génesis 3:10, que básicamente dice: “Oí tu voz, y tuve miedo porque estaba desnuda y me escondí.”

EVERY MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH WILL DIE

“During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgment, the pastor said forcefully, “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment.” Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!” The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!!!” Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, “I said each member of this church is going to die!” The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. “I don’t get it,” the preacher said in frustration. “Whenever I said, ‘Each member of this church is going to die,’ your smile got bigger. Why?” “I’m not a member of this church,” the man replied.”

 

THE MONKEY
A boy was walking with a monkey when a policeman stopped him and said, “Young man, that monkey belongs in the zoo.” The boy told the officer: “OK.” The next day the policeman saw the boy and he still had the monkey with him. The officer told the boy: “Either take that monkey to the zoo or to a circus.” The boy said: “Okay.” The following day the policeman saw the boy again with the monkey, and very irritated he told him: “I told you to take that monkey to a zoo or to the circus.” The boy replied: “Two days ago I took him to the zoo as you told me, and he enjoyed it. Yesterday I took him to the circus and he was delighted. Today I am taking him to see a Walt Disney movie. I think he will enjoy it.”

EL MONO
Un chico caminaba con un mono, y un policía lo detuvo y le dijo: “Jovencito, ese mono pertenece en el zoológico.” El muchacho le contesta: “Está bien.” El día siguiente el oficial vuelve a ver al chico con el mono, y le dice: “O lleva ese mono a un zoológico o a un circo.” El chico le contesta: “Así lo haré.” Pasa ese día, y el policía vuelve a ver al chico con el mono. Frustrado e irritado le dice: “Jovencito, le dije que llevara ese mono al zoológico o a un circo.”
El chico le contesta: “Antier lo llevé al zoológico como usted me dijo, y le encantó. Ayer lo llevé al circo, y se divirtió mucho. Hoy lo llevo a una película de Walt Disney. Yo creo que le va a encantar.”


   THREE LEMONS
A man comes to church on a Tuesday wanting to see the pastor. The man: “Young lady, I need to see the pastor.” The secretary: “Sir, do you have an appointment?” The man: “No, but I need to see him.” The secretary: “I’ll go and ask him if he can see you.” The secretary comes back and tells the man: “The pastor will see you now.” The man goes into the pastor’s office: “Pastor, I have a big problem. I am looking at all the young girls lustfully.” The pastor: “Eat three lemons every day from now on.” The man: “Will that take my lust away?”The pastor: “No, but it will take that smirk away from your face.”
LOS TRES LIMONES
El martes en la mañana un hombre quiere hablar con el pastor. El hombre: “Señorita, necesito hablar con el pastor.” La secretaria: “¿Tiene cita con él?” EL hombre: “No, pero necesito verlo.” La secretaria: “Voy a preguntarle si tiene tiempo para usted.” La secretaria vuelve y le dice: “El pastor lo puede recibir ahorita.” El hombre entra a la oficina del pastor: “Pastor, tengo un problema grande. Miro a las jovencitas con mucha lascivia.” El pastor: “Coma tres limones todos los días de aquí en adelante.” El hombre: “¿Eso me quitará la lascivia?” El pastor: “No, pero le quitará esa sonrisa de la cara.”

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