WHICH ONE WOULD YOU SAVE FIRST?
A man was talking to his wife and she asked him: “If a lion were to attack my mother and me, which one would you rescue first?” The man thought for a moment and then he said: “The lion, of course!”
¿A QUIÉN RESCATARÍAS PRIMERO?
Un señor estaba hablando con su esposa, y ella le pregunta: “¿Si un león nos atacara a mi mamá y a mí, ¿a quién rescatarías primero?” El esposo pienso un poquito y luego le contesta, “Al león, desde luego.”
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PEE?
Three men were cleaning windows fifty feet high on a scaffold. Matt had to pee, so he went down. The scaffold collapsed and the other two men on it died instantly. Matt told his wife what had happened and that the company was going to give each widow five hundred thousand dollars. His wife told him, “Matt, why did you have to pee?”
¿POR QUÉ TUVISTE QUE ORINAR?
Tres hombres estaban lavando ventanas en un andamio a cincuenta pies de altura. Mateo tenía que orinar y se bajó. El andamio colapsó y los otros dos hombres murieron instantáneamente. Mateo le dijo a su esposa lo que había sucedido, y también le dijo que la compañía le iba a dar quinientos mil dólares a cada viuda. La esposa le dijo: “¿Mateo, por qué tuviste que orinar?”
THREE ENGINEERS
Three engineers were drinking together in a bar. The American engineer told the other two: “We dug and we found electric wire three hundred feet below. That means we were wireless two hundred and ninety-nine years ago.” Not to be outdone, the Russian said: “We dug five hundred feet and we found electric wires. That means we were wireless four hundred and ninety-nine years ago.” The Mexican engineer thought a little and then he said: “We dug one thousand feet and did not find any electric wires. That means we have been wireless for at least one thousand years.”
LOS TRES INGENIEROS
Tres ingenieros estaban tomando en una cantina. El norteamericano les dijo a los otros dos, “Excavamos y encontramos alambre eléctrico a los trescientos pies. Eso significa que éramos inalámbricos hace doscientos y noventa y nueve años.” El ruso para no quedarse atrás dijo, “Nosotros excavamos quinientos pies y encontramos alambre eléctrico. Eso nos dice que hace cuatrocientos, noventa y nueve años ya éramos inalámbricos. ” El mexicano pensó un poco y luego dijo, “Nosotros excavamos mil pies y no encontramos nada. Eso quiere decir que por lo menos mil años ya éramos inalámbricos.”
SHE MAY RESURRECT
An American man in his thirties took his wife and mother-in-law on vacation to the Holy Land. While there the mother-in-law had a heart attack and died. Because it was too expensive to send the body back to the United States, the wife said: “Let’s bury my mother here. She would like that.” The husband said: “We have to send her back home. A man died here about two-thousand years ago and He resurrected. I don’t want your mother to resurrect.”
ELLA PUEDE RESUCITAR
Un hombre mexicano de unos treinta años llevó de vacaciones a la Tierra Santa a su esposa y a su suegra. Sucedió que la suegra tuvo un infarto y se murió. Como sería muy costoso mandar el cuerpo a México, la esposa dijo: “Enterremos a mi mamá aquí. Yo sé que eso le gustaría.” El esposo le contestó: “Tenemos que mandarla a México. Hace dos mil años un hombre murió aquí y resucitó. No quiero que tu mamá resucite.”
YOU ARE THE PRINCIPAL
“George, get up. You have to go to school,” the mother tells him. “I don’t want to go,” George tells her. “Why don’t you want to go,” the mother asks him. “The kids hate me, the teachers don’t like me and the secretaries laugh at me,” George tells his. “You have to go. After all, you are the principal,” his mother tells him.
TÚ ERES EL DIRECTOR
“Jorge, levántate. Tienes que ir al colegio,” le dice la mamá. “No quiero ir,” le responde Jorge. “?Por qué no quieres ir?” le pregunta la madre. Jorge le contesta, “Los estudiantes me odian, los profesores no me quieren y las secretarias se burlan de mí.” “Jorge, tienes que ir, porque tú eres el director,” le dice la mamá.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
There’s a Spanish proverb that says, “Mejor tarde que nunca,” which of course means, “Better late than Never.” Many people start late in life, but then they succeed. Some even change professions later on in life. It’s not how we start; it’s how we finish that counts.
MEJOR TARDE QUE NUNCA
En inglés hay un proverbio que dice, “Better late than never,” que significa, “Mejor tarde que nunca.” Muchas personas comienzan tarde en la vida, pero luego tienen éxito. Algunas hasta cambian de profesión en su segunda o tercera edad. No se trata de cómo comienza uno, sino de cómo termina.
THE FUNERAL
An American, a German and a Jew were at a funeral of a friend. The American told the other two: “I put five-hundred dollars in his casket.” The German said: “I did better than that. I put one thousand dollars in his pocket.” The Jew told the other two: “I did better than both of you. I took the fifteen hundred dollars you two gave him, and I put a five-thousand – dollar check under his body.”
EL FUNERAL
Un estadounidense, un alemán y un judío estaban en el funeral de un amigo de ellos. El americano les dijo a los otros dos: “Yo le puse quinientos dólares a mi amigo en el ataúd.” El alemán le contestó: “yo hice mejor que eso. Yo le puse mil dólares en el bolsillo.” El judío les dijo: “Yo hice mejor que ustedes. Yo tomé los mil quinientos dólares que ustedes le dieron, pero le puse un cheque por cinco mil dólares debajo de su cuerpo.”
WHO DISCOVERED AMERICA?
The teacher asked a third-grade class: “Who knows where America is?” The only one who raised her hand was Linda. The teacher said: “Linda, show us where America is on the map.” Mary goes to the front of the class and point to America on the map. The teacher asks: “Who knows who discovered America?” Johnny raises his hand. The teacher tells him: “Johnny tell us who discovered America.” Johnny tells her, “It was Linda. She just discovered it.”
¿QUIÉN DESCUBRIÓ AMÉRICA?
Una profesora del tercer grado le pregunta a su clase: “¿Quién sabe dónde está América?” Linda es la única que levanta la mano. La profesora le dice, “Linda, enséñanos donde está América.” Linda va al frente e indica en el mapa donde está América.” Luego la profesora le dice a Beto: “Betito, por favor dinos quién descubrió América.” Beto le dice, “Fue Linda. Acaba de descubrirla.”
MY FATHER IS EIGHT YEARS OLD
The teacher asked an eight-year-old boy: “Johnny, how old is your father?” “He’s eight years old,” the boy told her. “That’s impossible! Why do you say that?” the teacher asked him. “I am eight years old, and my daddy became a father when I was born,” Johnny told her.
MI PAPÁ TIENE OCHO AÑOS
La profesora le pregunta a un niño de ocho años: “¿Juanito, cuántos años tiene tu papá?” “Él tiene ocho años,” le contesta el niño. “¡Eso es imposible! ¿por qué me dices eso?” “Yo tengo ocho años y mi papito se convirtió en papá cuando yo nací,” le dijo Juanito.
TOO MUCH!
A man went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted. He asked the dentist: “How long will it take?” “Five minutes,” the dentist told him. “How much will it cost me?” the man asked. “Four hundred dollars,” the dentist informed him. “That’s too much money for five minutes work,” the man exclaimed. “If you want I can take three hours to do it,” the dentist replied.
ESO ES DEMASIADO
Un señor fue al dentista para que le extrajera una muela. Le preguntó al dentista: “¿Cuánto tiempo le tomará?” “Cinco minutos,” le contestó el dentista. “¿Y cuánto me costará?” preguntó el señor. “Solamente cuatrocientos dólares,” le informó el dentista. “Eso es demasiado por cinco minutos de trabajo,” le dijo el paciente. “Si usted quiere puedo tomar tres horas para hacerlo,” le dijo el dentista.
THANK YOU FOR THIS MEAL
A native African, who had become a Christian, was running from a lion. He stopped and thanked God that he was running faster than the lion. The lion who happened to be Christian stopped a few yards behind, knelt down and thanked God for the meal he was about to have.
GRACIAS POR ESTA COMIDA
Un nativo africano, quien se había convertido al cristianismo, le iba huyendo a un león. Se detuvo para darle gracias a Dios porque iba corriendo más rápido que el león. Unos pocos metros atrás el león se detuvo, se hincó y le dio gracias a Dios por la comida que iba a comer.
A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT
Since many Italians speak with their hands, Giovanni, an Italian boy who had his arm in a cast, told his mother: “Mama, I can’t go to school today.” “Why can’t you go?” his mother asked him. Giovanni told her, “Yesterday because I could not speak with my hands, the teacher told me I had a speech impediment and not to go to school today.”
UN IMPEDIMENTO DE HABLA
Siendo que los italianos hablan con las manos, Giovanni, un chico italiano que tenía el brazo enyesado le dijo a la mamá: “Mamá, hoy no puedo ir al colegio.” “¿Por qué no puedes ir?” le preguntó la mamá. Giovanni le dijo: “Porque no pude hablar con las manos ayer, la profesora me dijo que tenía un impedimento de habla y que no fuera hoy al colegio.”
THE SUGAR AND THE MILK ARE FREE
A homeless man goes to a restaurant and asks: “How much is a cup of coffee?” The waitress tells him, “It’s three dollars.” “And how much are the sugar and the milk?” he asks her. “They are free,” she tells him. “Then give me a pound of sugar and a gallon of milk,” he tells her.
EL AZÚCAR Y LA LECHE SON GRATIS
Un hombre indigente entra a un restaurante y pregunta: “¿Cuánto cuesta una taza de café?” “Cuesta tres dólares,” le dice la mesera. “Y cuánto cuestan el azúcar y la leche?” pregunta el señor. “Son gratis,” le dice la mesera. “Entonces deme una libra de azúcar y un galón de leche,” le dice el indigente.
BEAUTIFUL TEETH
An old man went to the dentist, and the dental assistant commented: “You have beautiful teeth!” “Thank you,” the old man told her. The assistant asked him, “Are they your own teeth?” “I hope so. I paid a lot of money for them,” the old man told her.
DIENTES HERMOSOS
Un anciano fue a ver al dentista, y la asistente del dentista le dijo: “¡Qué dientes tiene tan hermosos!” “Gracias,” le dijo el anciano. “¿Esos dientes son de usted?” le preguntó la asistente. “¡Ojalá que sí! Pagué mucho dinero por ellos,” le contestó el anciano.
TAKE CARE WHAT YOU EAT
A man, who was fifty pounds overweight, was caressing a pizza for thirty minutes. Finally his wife asked him, “Why are you caressing that pizza?” He told her, “The doctor told me to take good care of what I eat and that’s what I’m doing.”
CUIDA MUY BIEN LO QUE COMES
Un señor, quien pesaba 22 kilos más de lo normal, había estado acariciando a una pizza por treinta minutos. Asombrada la esposa le pregunta, “¿Por qué estás acariciando a esa pizza?” Él le contesta, “Es que el doctor me dijo que cuidara muy bien lo que como.
IN CASE I MAKE A HOLE IN ONE
A husband, who was going to play golf, was taking two pairs of pants. The wife asked him, “Why are you taking two pairs of pants?” “I am taking two pairs in case I make a hole in one,” he told her.
EN EL CASO QUE HAGA UN HOYO EN UNO
Un esposo, quien iba a jugar al golf, llevaba dos pares de pantalones. La esposa le pregunta, “¿Por qué llevas dos pares de pantalones?” “Llevo dos pares en caso que haga un hoyo en uno,” le contesta el esposo.
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
A puppy was saying “Meow, meow” and the mother dog asked him, “What are you doing?” The puppy told her, “I am learning a foreign language.”
UNA LENGUA EXTRANJERA
Un perrito maullaba “Miau, miau,” y la mamá le pregunta, “¿Qué estás haciendo?” El perrito le contesta, “Estoy aprendiendo una lengua extranjera.”
MY BROWN PANTS
A soldier asked the captain: “How come every time we go to battle you wear you red shirt?” The captain tells him, “That’s because if I get wounded all of you will not know it, and will keep fighting bravely.” Just then a soldier comes running and tells the captain, “The enemy has surrounded us and they have superior numbers.” The captain tells the soldier, “Quick bring me my brown pants.”
MIS PANTALONES MARRONES
Un soldado le pregunta al capitán: “¿Por qué usa una camisa roja cada vez que entramos a una batalla?” El capitán le dice, “Es porque si quedo herido ustedes no sabrán y continuarán peleando bravamente.” En ese momento llega un soldado corriendo y le dice al capitán, “El enemigo nos tiene acorralados y tienen números superiores.” El capitán le dice al soldado, “Corre y tráeme mis pantalones marrones.”
IT LOOKS BETTER FROM BEHIND
A young couple were on a tight budget, so they agreed not to buy anything for the next six months. One day the husband came home and his wife was wearing a brand new dress. He asked her, “Why did you let the devil entice you? Why didn’t you tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan?’” She responded, “I did, but he told me that the dress even looked better from behind.”
SE VE MEJOR DE ATRÁS
Una pareja joven tenia un presupuesto limitado, y por eso se pusieron de acuerdo de no comprar nada en los próximos seis meses. Un día volvió el esposo del trabajo y vio que la esposa portaba un vestido nuevo. Le preguntó, “¿Por qué permitiste que el diablo te engañara? ¿Por qué no le dijiste, ‘
WHO IS THE FAT BALDHEADED GUY?
A forty-year-old mother was showing her seven-year-old son pictures of his father when he was young, slim and handsome. “Son, this is your father. Isn’t he handsome?” the mothers tells her son. “Yes, he is, but who is the fat and baldheaded guy that lives with us?” the child asks
¿QUIÉN ES EL VIEJO GORDO Y PELÓN?
Una señora de cuarenta años estaba enseñándole fotos a su niño de siete años. Eran fotos de su papá cuando éste era joven, guapo y delgado. “Mira éste es tu papá. ¿No es muy guapo?” le dice la mamá. “Sí, lo es,” responde el chico, “¿pero quién es el viejo gordo y pelón que vive con nosotros?” le pregunta el niño.
THAT DESERVES PUNISHMENT
Johnny came home from school, tore up his report card in front of his mother. The mother asks him, “Johnny, why did you tear up your report card?” “Because the teacher gave me five F’s,” he told her. “That deserves punishment,” the mother tells him. “Yes, and I know where she lives. Let’s go punish her,” the boy tells his mother.
ESO MERECE CASTIGO
Juanito llega del colegio y rompe su boleta de calificaciones delante de su madre. Ella le pregunta, “Juanito, por qué rompiste tu boleta de calificaciones?” “Porque la profesora me dio cinco ceros,” le respondió. “Eso merece castigo,” le dijo la mamá. “Sí, y yo sé donde vive. Vamos a castigarla,” le dice Juanito.
THE YOUNG PASTOR
A young pastor had just given a few sermons, but there was a pretty girl he liked. One Saturday morning he went by her house, knocked on the door, but there was no response. He left his card and wrote Revelation 3:20 on it. Sunday morning after the service he found his card in the offering basket, and it had Genesis 3:10 written on it.
Revelation 3:20 says: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 basically says: “I heard your voice, but I was afraid because I was naked and hid myself.”
EL PASTOR JOVEN
Un pastor joven había dado muy pocos sermones, pero había una chica bonita que le gustaba. Un sábado por la mañanita pasó por su casa y llamó a la puerta, pero nadie contestó. Dejó su tarjeta y escribió Apocalipsis 3:20 en ella. El domingo después del servicio encontró su tarjeta en la canasta con la escritura Génesis 3:10.
Apocalipsis 3:20 dice: “Mira que estoy a la puerta y llamo. Si alguno oye mi voz y abre la puerta, entraré, y cenaré con él, y él conmigo.”
Génesis 3:10 básicamente dice, “Escuché tu voz, pero tuve miedo y me escondí, porque estaba desnudo.”
HE TURNED THE WATER INTO WINE
A lady was ill, so she told her husband Fred to go to church alone. Fred went to the bar instead. He came home drunk, and his wife asked him, “Fred, why did you get drunk?” “I only drank water,” he told her. “Don’t lie to me!” she shouted. He replied, “I only drank water at church. I guess Jesus turned the water into wine again.”
CONVIRTIÓ EL AGUA EN VINO
Una señora estaba enferma y por eso le pidió a su esposo Alfredo que fuera solo a la iglesia. En vez de ir a la iglesia fue a la cantina y tomó mucho vino. Volvió a casa borracho. La esposa le pregunta, “Alfredo, ¿por qué tomaste?” “Solamente tomé agua,” le contesta él. “¡No me mientas!” le grita la esposa. Alfredo le responde, “Solamente tomé agua. Creo que Jesús la volvió en vino de nuevo.”
REPAINT YOU THINNERS AND THIN NO MORE
Three men were painting the church. It was quarter to five, they needed one more wall and they were running out of paint. One man said, “We don’t want to come back, why don’t we add paint thinner to the paint and finish the wall?” The others agreed. As they were painting it started to rain and the paint on the last wall started to wash off. Then they heard a voice from above that said: “Repaint you thinners and thin no more.”
THE PAIR OF SHOES
In an insane asylum one patient tells another one: “John, you are wearing a brown shoe and a black one.” John tells him, “That’s nothing! I have another pair just like it.”
EL PAR DE ZAPATOS
En un manicomio un paciente le dice a otro: “Juan, tienes un zapato negro y el otro del color café.” Juan le responde, “¡Eso no es nada! Tengo otro par igualito.
MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY BREAD ALONE
For several weeks the Catholic priest noticed that money was missing from the church. Since he suspected that the altar boy was taking some money, he spied on him and saw him take a few dollars from the basket. He asked the boy, “Why are you stealing money from the church?” “Haven’t you read the Bible?” the boy asked him. “What are you talking about?” the priest asked him. “In Matthew 4:4, Jesus said, ‘Man does not live by bread alone. I need to buy other things other than bread.” the boy told him.
NO SÓLO DEL PAN VIVE EL HOMBRE
Por varias semanas el cura se había dado cuenta que faltaba dinero en la iglesia. Ya que sospechaba que el monaguillo era el culpable, lo espió y lo vio coger algunos pesos. Le preguntó al chico, “¿Por qué le robas dinero a la iglesia?” El chico le contestó, “¿Qué nunca ha leído la biblia?” “¿De qué estás hablando?,” le pregunta el padre. “En Mateo 4:4, Jesús dijo, ‘No sólo del pan vive el hombre.’ Y yo necesito comprar otras cosas aparte del pan,” le contestó el chico.
THE FIRST WILL BE LAST AND THE LAST WILL BE FIRST
A homeless person and a very wealthy pastor from Texas died simultaneously and came to heaven where Peter was by the pearly gates. Peter told both of them to follow him. He takes the homeless person to a limousine with a chauffeur and tells him, “He will take you to your mansion and anywhere you want to go here in heaven.” The pastor is thinking that he will be given a bigger limousine and a beautiful mansion.” Peter takes the pastor to the city dump and gives him a broken-down golf cart and tells him, “This is how you are to go to your cabin, and move around here in Heaven.” The pastor asks him, “Why did you give the homeless man a limousine and gave me this broken-down golf cart?” Peter tells him: “On earth you had everything and he had nothing. Have you not read in the Bible, ‘The first will be last and the last will be first?’
EL PRIMERO SERÁ ÚLTIMO Y EL ÚLTIMO SERÁ PRIMERO.
Un indigente y un pastor riquísimo de Houston, Texas murieron simultáneamente y llegaron a los portales del cielo donde estaba Pedro. Pedro les dijo que lo siguieran. Lleva al indigente a una limosina con chofer y le dice, “El señor te llevará a tu mansión y adonde quieras ir aquí en el cielo.” El pastor piensa que él recibirá una limosa más grande y una mansión hermosa con servidumbre. Pedro lo lleva al basurero de la ciudad y le da un carro de golf todo averiado, y le dice: “En este carro vas a ir a tu cabaña y a movilizarte aquí en el cielo.” El pastor le pregunta, “¿Por qué le diste al indigente una limosina y una mansión, y me das a mí una cabaña y este carro de golf todo averiado?” Pedro le contesta, “En el mundo tuviste todo, y él no tuvo nada. “¿No has leído en la biblia, ‘Los primeros serán últimos, y los últimos serán primeros?”
IRON IT FIRST
An eighty-five-year – old lady told her husband, “Tonight for your birthday I am going to wear the Adam and Eve dress that they wore in the garden of Eden.” The husband told her, “Yes, but you better iron it first. Yours is very wrinkled.”
PLÁNCHALO PRIMERO
Una anciana de ochenta y cinco años le dijo a su esposo, “Esta noche para tu cumpleaños voy a ponerme el vestido como el que usaban Adán y Eva en el jardín del Edén.” El esposo le dijo, “Sí, pero plánchalo primero. El tuyo está muy arrugado
FOR REFERENCE ONLY
A university student walks into a library and notices that the librarian is young and very pretty. He asks her, “Can I check out a book on space travel?” “Yes, you may,” she tells him. “Can I check out a DVD?” “Of course,” she responds. “Can I take you out?” the boy asks her. “The librarians are for reference only,” she tells him.
SOLAMENTE PARA REFERENC
Un joven universitario entra a una biblioteca y se fija que la bibliotecaria es un jovencita muy bonita. Le pregunta, “¿Puedo sacar un libro de viaje espacial?” “Sí, sí puede,” le contesta ella. “¿Y puedeo sacar un DVD?” le pregunta el joven. “Claro que sí,” le dice ella. “¿Y la puedo sacar a usted?” le pregunta el chico. “Las bibliotecarias son solamente para referencia,” le contesta ella.
THE TAXI DRIVER
A taxi driver and a pastor get to heaven at the same time. Peter meets them at the gate and tells them to follow him. He takes the taxi driver to a beautiful mansion. The pastor is thinking, “If he gave this taxi driver a mansion, He is going to give me a palace.” Peter takes him to a rundown shack. The pastor asks, “Why do you give me a shack and you gave the taxi driver a mansion?” Peter tells him: “When you gave your sermons half of the people went to sleep, but when the taxi driver started driving all the passengers were praying.”
EL TAXISTA
Un taxista y un pastor llegan al cielo al mismo tiempo. Pedro los encuentra en el portal y les dice que lo sigan. Lleva al taxista a una mansión hermosísima. El pastor piensa, “Si le dio una mansión al taxista a mí me dará un palacio.” Pedro lo lleva a una choza arrumbada. El pastor le pregunta, “¿Por qué me das una choza tan humilde y al taxista le diste una mansión?” Pedro le dice: “Cuando dabas sermones la mitad de la congregación se dormía, en cambio cuando el taxista comenzaba a manejar los pasajeros siempre estaban orando.”
I GAVE THE LOAD TO JESU
Back in the old West a mother sent her twelve-year-old boy to bring some firewood. An hour later the boy came back empty handed. The mother asked him, “Johnny where’s the firewood?” He responded, “The pastor on Sunday talked about Jesus telling us, ‘Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.’ I was tired and had a heavy load, so I gave it to Jesus.”
LE DI LA CARGA A JESÚS
Años atrás en el oeste de los Estados Unidos una madre mandó a su hijo de doce años a traer leña. El chico regresó una hora más tarde con las manos vacías. La mamá le preguntó, “¿Juanito, dónde está la leña?” El chico respondió, “El domingo el pastor nos dijo que Jesús dijo, ‘Vengan a mí todos los que están trabajados y cargados, que yo los haré descansar.’ Yo estaba trabajado, cargado y cansado y por eso le di la carga de leña a Jesús.
SO HE WON’T TALK IN HIS SLEEP
Six-year-old Gina was staying with her grandparents for a few days. She noticed that every night her grandma would tie her grandpa’s hands. Before nightfall little Gina asked her Italian Grandma: “Grandma, why do you tie grandpa’s hands every night?” “So he won’t talk in his sleep,” her grandpa told her.
PARA QUE NO HABLE DORMIDO
Gina, una niña de seis años, estaba quedándose unos cuantos días con sus abuelitos. Se fijó que cada noche la abuela le ataba las manos a su abuelito. Una noche antes de dormir le preguntó a su abuelita italiana: “¿Abuelita, por qué le atas las manos a mi abuelito todas las noches?” “Para que no hable dormido.” le contestó la abuelita
THE DINOSAUR
In the city of Berlin a tourist group came up to the skeleton of a dinosaur, and the guide said: “This dinosaur is 240 million years old.” A n old German raised his hand and asked, “How can that be? We are only in the year 2023. And besides, if it had been alive Hitler would have killed it.”
EL DINOSAURIO
En la ciudad de Berlín un grupo llegó donde estaba un esqueleto de un dinosaurio. El guía les dijo: ‘Este dinosaurio tiene doscientos cuarenta millones de años. Un alemán anciano levantó la mano y preguntó: “¿Cómo puede ser? Solamente estamos en el año 2023, y además si hubiera estado vivo Hitler lo hubiera matado.”
LADY WITH THE SURGERIES
A wealthy lady, who had just become a widow, went to a church where they had a so-called prophet. The latter told her that she would have a long life and that she would marry a much younger man. She had surgery done on many parts of her body. Crossing the street she was killed by a drunk driver. When she got to heaven, she asked Jesus, “Why did you let me die? The prophet told me I had many more years to live and that I would marry a much younger man.” “ With all those surgeries, I did not recognize you,” Jesus told her.
UNA DAMA CON VARIAS CIRUGIAS
Una dama rica, quien acababa de convertirse en viuda, fue a una iglesia donde tenían un pastor que profetizaba. Éste le dijo que ella tendría una vida larga y que se casaría con un hombre mucho más joven. La dama se mandó hacer cirugías en muchas partes de su cuerpo. Al cruzar la calle la atropelló un borracho y ella murió. Al llegar al cielo, le preguntó a Jesucristo, “¿Por qué permitiste que yo muriera? El profeta me dijo que tendría muchos años de vida, y que me casaría con un hombre mucho más joven que yo.” “Con todas esas cirugías no te reconocí,” le contestó el Señor.
HANDS IN THEIR OWN POCKETS
On a hot summer day two men were in a bar in Washington, D.C. talking. Joe told Bill: “I hope we have a very cold winter.” “Why do you say that?” Bill asked. “So the politicians can keep their hands in their pockets and not get them into ours,” Joe answered him.
LAS MANOS EN SUS BOLSILLOS
En un día caluroso dos hombres estaban hablando en una cantina de Washington, D.C. José le dijo a Guillermo, “Ojalá tengamos un invierno muy frío.” “¿Por qué dices eso?” le preguntó Guillermo. “Para que los políticos mantengan sus manos en sus bolsillos y no en los nuestros,” le contestó José.
THE CREAM AND THE SUGAR
A homeless man walks into a restaurant and asks, “How much is a cup of coffee?” “It’s three dollars,” the waitress tells him. “And how much are the cream and the sugar?” he asks. “They are free,” the waitress tells him. “Then give me a gallon of cream and two pounds of sugar,” he tells her.
LA CREMA Y EL AZÚCAR
Un indigente entra a un restaurante y pregunta, “¿Cuánto cuesta una taza de café?” “Tres dólares,” le dice la mesera. “¿Y cuánto cuestan la crema y el azúcar?” pregunta el señor. “Son gratis,” le dice la mesera. “Entonces deme un galón de crema y dos libras de azúcar,” le dice el indigente.
PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE
A Chinese proverb says: “Dig a well before you are thirsty.” Of course, it means to prepare in advance. That includes getting a good education, so life will be easier. It also means accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior (John 14:6), so we will spend eternity with God and not in hell being tormented with the devil
PREPÁRATE, PREPÁRATE, PREPÁRATE
Un refrán chino dice: “Excava el pozo antes que tengas sed.” Desde luego que significa que nos preparemos. Eso incluye obtener una buena educación formal para que la vida sea más fácil. También significa que debemos aceptar a Jesucristo como nuestro Señor y Redentor para que pasemos la eternidad con él y no en el lago de fuego sufriendo con el diablo
THE FLOOR IS NOT DRY YET
A policeman comes in running to the police station and says: “Captain, Captain, a lady stabbed her husband eleven times and he died.” “Why did she do that?” the Captain asks. “She was mopping the floor and her husband steppe on it,” the policeman tells him. “Has she been arrested?” the Captain asks. “She hasn’t been arrested because the floor is still wet,” the policeman tells him.
EL PISO TODAVÍA ESTÁ MOJADO
Un policía llega corriendo a la comandancia y grita: “Capitán, Capitán, una mujer acaba de matar a su esposa de once puñaladas.” “¿Por qué lo hizo?” pregunta el Capitán. “Estaba trapeando el piso y su esposo lo pisó,” le contesta el policía. “¿Ya la arrestaron?” pregunta el Capitán. “No, es que el piso todavía está mojado,” le responde el policía.
THE FLOOR IS NOT DRY YET
A policeman comes in running to the police station and says: “Captain, Captain, a lady stabbed her husband eleven times and he died.” “Why did she do that?” the Captain asks. “She was mopping the floor and her husband steppe on it,” the policeman tells him. “Has she been arrested?” the Captain asks. “She hasn’t been arrested because the floor is still wet,” the policeman tells him.
EL PISO TODAVÍA ESTÁ MOJADO
Un policía llega corriendo a la comandancia y grita: “Capitán, Capitán, una mujer acaba de matar a su esposa de once puñaladas.” “¿Por qué lo hizo?” pregunta el Capitán. “Estaba trapeando el piso y su esposo lo pisó,” le contesta el policía. “¿Ya la arrestaron?” pregunta el Capitán. “No, es que el piso todavía está mojado,” le responde el policía.
THE FLOOR IS NOT DRY YET
A policeman comes in running to the police station and says: “Captain, Captain, a lady stabbed her husband eleven times and he died.” “Why did she do that?” the Captain asks. “She was mopping the floor and her husband steppe on it,” the policeman tells him. “Has she been arrested?” the Captain asks. “She hasn’t been arrested because the floor is still wet,” the policeman tells him
EL PISO TODAVÍA ESTÁ MOJADO
Un policía llega corriendo a la comandancia y grita: “Capitán, Capitán, una mujer acaba de matar a su esposa de once puñaladas.” “¿Por qué lo hizo?” pregunta el Capitán. “Estaba trapeando el piso y su esposo lo pisó,” le contesta el policía. “¿Ya la arrestaron?” pregunta el Capitán. “No, es que el piso todavía está mojado,” le responde el policía.
I AM LISTENING TO SALSA
Bob, a man in an insane asylum, had a small ketchup package in his ear. Bill, another patient, asks him, “What are you doing with that ketchup package on your ear?” “I am trying to listen to Salsa,” Bob tells him. Bill tells him, “I want to listen to it too.”
ESTOY ESCUCHANDO SALSA
Beto, un paciente en un manicomio, tenía un paquetito de Ketchup en la oreja. Memo, otro paciente, le pregunta: “¿Por qué tienes ese paquetito de kétchup en la oreja?” “Estoy tratando de escuchar salsa,” le contesta Beto. Memo le pregunta: “?Puedo escucharla contigo?”
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU
A religious thief waits for a wealthy couple to leave the house at night and then he goes in. He hears a voice that tells him: “Jesus is watching you.” He flashes his flashlight all around and sees nothing. He proceeds to look for the safe. Again he hears the voice: “Jesus is watching you.” He flashes his light all around and seed a parrot in a cage. He asks the parrot, “What’s your name?” “My name is Moses,” the parrot tells him. “What kind of an idiot would name his parrot Moses?” the thief asks. “The same man who named his Rottweiler ‘Jesus,’” the parrot tells him
JESÚS T E ESTÁ MIRANDO
Un ladrón religioso espera que salga una pareja rica y luego entra a la casa para robar. Oye una voz que le dice: “Jesús te está mirando.” Enciende su linterna por todas partes, pero no ve nada. Procede a buscar la caja fuerte. De nuevo oye la voz que le dice, “Jesús te está mirando.”
Enciende la linterna por todas partes y ve un perico en una jaula. Le pregunta al perico, “¿Cómo te llamas?” “Me llamo Moisés,” le contesta el perico. “¿Qué persona tan idiota le llamaría ‘Moisés’ a un perico?” pregunta el ladrón. “La misma personas que le llamó ‘Jesús’ al perro Rottweiler,” le contesta el perico.
THE MEXICAN TRAIN CONDUCTOR
A reckless Mexican train conductor had a train accident and one person died. They gave him the death penalty by electrocution. For his last meal he asked for a taco. He ate it, they strapped him to the chair, turned on the switch, sparks flew all over the place but the man was unhurt. He was released and was given his job back. A few months later he had another accident and two people died. He was given the death penalty by electrocution. As his last meal he asked for two tacos. They strapped him to the chair, turned on the switch, sparks flew, but he was unharmed, was released and given his job back. A few weeks later he had another accident and three people died. He was given the death penalty by electrocution one more time. He asked for three tacos as his last wish. They told him, “We will not give you the tacos because somehow they keep you from being executed.” He then told them, “It wasn’t the tacos that saved me from being electrocuted. I am just a bad conductor.”
EL CONDUCTOR DE TRENES MEXICANO
Un mexicano conductor de trenes quien era muy descuidado tuvo un accidente y una persona murió. Le dieron pena de muerte por electrocución. Para su última comida pidió un taco. Lo comió, lo ataron a la silla eléctrica, prendieron el conmutador, hubo chispas por todo lado, pero el conductor no sufrió ningún daño. Le dieron su libertad, recuperó su trabajo y en pocos meses tuvo otro accidente en el cual murieron dos personas. Le dieron la pena de muerte en la silla eléctrica. Pidió dos tacos para su última comida. Lo sentaron en la silla, lo ataron y presionaron el conmutador. Salieron chispas, pero al conductor salió ileso. Recuperó su trabajo, pero tuvo otro accidente en el cual murieron tres personas. Le dieron la pena de muerte de nuevo. Pidió tres tacos antes de sentarse en la silla. Le dijeron, “No le vamos a dar los tacos, porque parece que le salvan la vida.” El conductor les dijo, “No han sido los tacos. Es que soy mal conductor.”
THE CHRISTIAN LION
Because of fear, a Christian native was outrunning a lion that was chasing him. The native stopped and prayed: “Thank You God that you allow me to outrun the lion.” The lion stopped about ten feet behind him, knelt and prayed: “Thank You God for this meal you have provided for me.”
EL LEÓN CRISTIANO
Por puro miedo, un nativo cristiano superaba en velocidad al león que lo perseguía. El nativo se detuvo y oró así: “Gracias Dios por ayudarme a superar al león.” Como dos metros atrás se arrodilló el león y oró: “Gracias Dios Padre por el almuerzo que me has proveido.”
THE SMALL SHOES
A man walks into a shoe store and tells the manager, “I want a pair of shoes size 8.” The manager tells him, “Looking at your feet I can tell you wear size 10 or 11.” “I want size 8,” the customer tells him. The manager gives him a pair of shoes size 8. The man puts them on and is walking with pain on his feet. The manager asks him, “Why did you buy size 8 why you should be wearing size 10 or 11?” The customer tells him, “Because my wife left me, my mother-in-law lives with me, my son is failing at school, and I hate my lob. The only pleasure I get is when I take my shoes off and I put on my sleepers.”
LOS ZAPATOS PEQUEÑOS
Un señor entra a una zapatería y le dice al gerente, “Quiero unos zapatos talla 38.” El gerente le dice, “Al ver sus pies, usted calza número 40 o 42.” “Quiero número 38,” le repite el cliente. El gerente le da un par número 38. El hombre se los pone, y camina malísimo con dolor en los pies. El gerente le pregunta: “¿Por qué compró talla 38 si usted calza 40 o 42?” El cliente le dice, “Porque mi esposa me dejó, mi suegra vive conmigo, mi hijo está fracasando en el colegio, y odio mi trabajo. El único placer que tengo es cuando llego a casa, me quito los zapatos para descansar los pies y me pongo mis chanclas.”
THE INTELLIGENT PARROT
A parrot walks into a store and asks the owner, “Do you have peanuts?” The owner replies “No, we don’t” and the parrot walks out. The following morning, the same parrot goes back to the same shop and says “Do you have peanuts?” The owner replies “No, we don’t” so the parrot leaves. The next day, the parrot goes back to the shop and asks “Do you have peanuts?” The owner, annoyed, answers “No, we don’t, and if you come back here asking for peanuts again I’ll put you in a cage.” The next day, the parrot walks in and asks “Do you have any cages?” Surprised, the shop owner replies “No, we don’t.” “Great”, the parrot says, “in that case, do you have peanuts?”
EL PERICO INTELIGENTE
Un perico entra a una tienda y le pregunta al dueño, “¿Tiene cacahuates?” “No tenemos,” le contesta el dueño. El perico se va. El día siguiente vuelve y pregunta, “¿Tiene cacahuates?” “Ya le lije ayer que no tenemos,” le dice el dueño. El perico se va, pero vuelve el próximo día y pregunta, “¿Tiene cacahuates?” El dueño malhumorado le dice, “Si vuelve una vez más lo pondré en una jaula y le pondré un candado fuerte.” El perico no dice nada y se va. El próximo día llega el perico y le pregunta al dueño, “¿Tiene jaulas?” “No las tenemos,” le responde el dueño.” “En ese caso, “¿Tiene cacahuates?” le pregunta el perico
OH, MY GOD!
Three children are bragging about their fathers. Johnny says, “My dad is a priest and everyone call him, “father.” Bobby tells him, “That’s nothing! My father is a bishop and everyone calls him, “Your eminence.” Chris speaks up and tells them, “My father weighs two hundred and fifty pounds, and everyone says, “Oh, my God!”
¡OH, DIOS MÍO!
Tres niños están jactándose de sus padres. Juanito dice, “Mi papá es cura y todos le llaman , “Padre.” Beto le dice, “Eso no es nada. Mi papá es obispo y todos le dicen, “Su eminencia.” Por fin Cristóbal habla y les dice, “
Mi papa pesa ciento once kilos, y todos dicen, “O Dios mio.”
OUR FLAG IS SYMBOLIC
Two men were talking, and John tells Joe: “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.” “How’s that?” Joe asks. John explains, “You know that our flag is red, white, blue and it has stars.” “I know that,” Joe tells him, “but what does that have to do with our taxes?” John explains, “When I get the bill, I turn white. Then when I think about it, I turn red, and when I send the check, I turn blue. Finally when they cash my check, I see stars.”
NUESTRA BANDERA ES SIMBÓLICA
Dos amigos norteamericanos están hablando, y Juan le dice a José: “Nuestra bandera estadounidense es simbólica de nuestros impuestos.” “¿Cómo es eso?” le pregunta José. Juan le dice, “Ya sabes que nuestra bandera es roja, azul, blanca y que tiene estrellas.” “Yo sé eso,” le dice José, “pero eso qué tiene que ver con nuestros impuestos?” Juan le explica, “Cuando recibo la factura, la cara se me pone blanca. Cuando pienso en lo que tengo que pagar, se me pone roja, y cuando envío el cheque, se me pone azul. Luego cuando cambian el cheque, veo estrellas.”
I HAD AN OLD CAR LIKE THAT TOO
A wealthy Texas rancher told a poor Mexican, “I get in my car at six in the morning to see my ranch, and by 4 in the afternoon I still have not reached the end of my property.” The Mexican man responds, “I know how you feel.
had an old car like that too.”
YO TUVE UN CARRO VIEJO COMO ESE TAMBIEN
Un ranchero tejano muy rico le dice a un mexicano pobre, “Me voy en mi carro a las seis de la mañana, y para las cuatro de la tarde no he llegado al fin de mi propiedad.” El mexicano le dice, “Yo sé cómo se siente. Yo también tuve un carro viejo como el suyo
THREE SCOTSMEN IN A BAR
Three Scotsmen were drinking in a bar. One of them asked the other two: “When I die, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave. Which one of you will do it?” One of the other two answered: “I will do it, but do you mind if it passes through my kidneys first?”
TRES HOMBRES ESCOCESES EN UNA CANTINA
Tres hombres escoceses estaban tomando en una cantina. Uno de ellos les preguntó a los otros dos: “Cuando yo me muera me gustaría que uno de ustedes vaciara una botella de whiskey sobre mi tumba. ¿Cuál de ustedes lo hará?” Uno de los dos le dijo, “Yo lo haré, pero si no te molesta dejo pasar el whiskey por mi hígado primero.”
A KOREAN AND A JEW
A Korean and a Jew were drinking and socializing in a bar. The Jew asked the Korean, “Weren’t you guys responsible for Pear Harbor?” The Korean answered him, “That wasn’t us. It was the Japanese.” The Jew told him, “Japanese, Chinese, Korean…there’s no difference!” The Korean responded, “You guys were responsible for sinking the Titanic.” “It wasn’t us. It was an iceberg.” the Jew told him. The Korean answered him by saying, “Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg…There’s no difference. It’s all the same.”
UN COREANO Y UN JUDIO
Un coreano y un judío estaban tomando y socializando en una cantina. El judío le preguntó al coreano, “¿No fueron ustedes los que atacaron a Pearl Harbor?” “Esos fueron los japoneses,” le contesta el coreano. “Los japoneses, los chinos, los coreanos…¡No hay diferencia,” le dice el judío. El coreano le contesta, “Ustedes fueron responsables por hundir el barco Titanic.” “No fuimos nosotros. Fue un iceberg.” le dice el judío. “Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg…No hay diferencia,” le dice el corea
THE PASTOR AND THE TAXI DRIVER
A pastor and a taxi driver from New York City died on the same day and arrived at heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asks both men to follow him. He takes the taxi driver to a beautiful mansion. The pastor is thinking, “If the taxi driver is going to live in a mansion, I will live in a palace.” Saint Peter takes him to a rundown shack and tells him, “This is your home.” Flabbergasted the pastor asks, “Why is the taxi driver in a mansion, and I am in an abandoned shack?” Saint Peter tells him, “Most of the people went to sleep during your sermons, but all the passengers in his taxi were praying fervently.”
EL PASTOR Y EL TAXISTA
Un pastor y un taxista de la ciudad de Nueva York se murieron el mismo día y llegaron al cielo al mismo tiempo. San Pedro les pidió a ambos que lo siguieran. Llevó al taxista a una mansión hermosa y le dijo: “Esta es tu casa por toda la eternidad.” El pastor estaba pensando, “Si el taxista recibió una mansión, yo voy a recibir un palacio.” San Pedro lo llevó a una choza muy humilde que estaba abandonada, y le dijo: “Este es tu hogar eterno.” Asombrado el pastor le preguntó, “¿Por qué está el taxista en una mansión y yo estoy en una choza arrumbada?” San Pedro le dijo, “Cuando tú dabas sermones casi toda la gente estaba dormida, pero cuando el taxista llevaba pasajeros todos estaban orando fervorosamente